Real Talk: Why I Didn’t Report

Sexual assault is a huge topic in the media today.

For many men and women, it is bringing up memories of their past experiences of sexual assault. It has also brought up the topic of why women (and men) don’t report sexual assault when it occurs.

Here’s my story, and I hope that by me sharing my story you feel more empathetic towards those who chose not to report their assault. And maybe you’ll feel more comfortable knowing that there are so many other people who made the same choice as you.

Not too long after the semester began I went to a frat party with some friends. It was a typical Friday night. Everyone was at least a little drunk but most people were extremely drunk. This guy and I started dancing together and while we may stop for a little while throughout the night we kept going back to each other. So eventually, we leave the party together.

Now I know what you’re probably thinking, ‘you were both drunk.’ This is true. And at this point, I was not being taken advantage of. As we get into the second part of this story, I had consented to everything.

We begin to have sex. I told him that he needed to wear a condom. He tried to convince me that he didn’t need one, but eventually, he put one on. Throughout this encounter, he kept trying to take the condom off, and continue having sex with me without the condom. Once I realized this, I told him to stop. And he didn’t stop. I told him to stop again. And he didn’t stop. I told him to stop, pushed him off of me. Then he stopped and passed out drunk. I looked down and realized that my vagina was bleeding. I got dressed and walked out of his room. I ran into one of his friends and his roommate. We talked for a few minutes and his friend drove me across campus to my dorm.

Once I was at my dorm I took a shower and crawled into bed, realizing it was 3 in the morning.

That night I wasn’t focused on what had happened to me. I kept trying to minimize and excuse what had happened. As I was talking to some people I’m close to, I realized that what happened was wrong. That I had been assaulted. And I was able to start working through those emotions.

I saw him twice last week. Luckily both times I was with friends, and I felt relatively safe. The second time he was trying to get into the frat I was in, and I almost started panicking. He left. I don’t think he saw me. Hell, I don’t know if he even remembers what happened between us.

But, I didn’t report what happened to me. Does that dimish the impact it’s had on me? Most definitely not.

Why I didn’t report:

  • I didn’t want to admit what happened to me was wrong
  • I thought that I had done something wrong
  • I didn’t want to ruin his life
  • I didn’t want to have the stigma attached to me of “Oh, she’s the girl who was assaulted”
  • I knew that there was no way I could prove what happened. It would have been my word against his

Why didn’t you report?

Real Talk: Suicide

Everyone has had that one moment where there whole life seems to come crashing down. The text, phone call, or conversation you can still recall vividly. The moment you heard the world around seems to stop and all you can do is either sit there, frozen by the news, or let out this cry from deep inside of you. Suddenly your life is changed and you don’t really know how you’re going to move forward, but you have to.

For me it was a message. I can still see it, it’s engraved into my memory.

My Dad tells me that my grandfather had died from “a self inflicted gunshot wound to the head.” My grandfather was another father to me. I can’t even begin to explain how close we were. And all of a sudden he’s gone. And there’s nothing I can do about it. I didn’t even get to say goodbye.

And through all of this heartbreak, the world kept going on. I felt like I was stuck. I couldn’t move on but I had to.

I became very reclusive, I was tied up in my thoughts and stuck trying to process everything. I eventually came to the realization that there was nothing that I could have done. He made this choice. I couldn’t have done anything about that.

Now if you’re reading this, you have that choice. He felt like no one loved him. But so many people do. He felt hopeless in a world full of hope. Even when everything around you seems to be crashing around you, as cliche as it sounds, things can and will get better. They may get worse before they get better, but one day they will get better.

Talking through your problems will only help. Internalizing them makes everything worse. You are not alone. I know that college is stressful, and it’s so easy to get caught up in that. I thought I had overcome my struggles with depression and anxiety until I came to college. It’s a huge transition. It’s difficult, but you will manage it. You will overcome it. I will overcome it. Even if we still struggle we will know how to cope and deal with our emotions in healthy ways.

If you’re struggling with depression or suicide, you are not alone. There are always reasons to keep living. As mundane as they may seem. ┬áIf you need someone to talk to, reach out whether that’s me or a loved one or some other professional (teacher, counselor, etc). There are resources out there that can help.

If you feel like no one would care if you were gone, I want you to know that I would care.

The world wouldn’t be the same without you. It would be much worse off.

Much love,

-LB

 

The Journey Begins

Hey guys, it’s so awesome you’ve stumbled on this little blog. I’ve always wanted to start blogging but always fell off the wagon. So I figured this would be a fun way to get started with little to no pressure from people I know. If I get a following I’m sure that will force me to keep up with this more. But for the moment I just want to get into the habit.

A little bit about me, I’m a freshman student at a small college in the South. Even though we haven’t been in school for long I’m already seeing the pressure of college and I really need a place to just put it all out there. I know nothing is truly anonymous on the internet, but this gives me enough security feeling like I can speak my mind.

Feel free to contact me if you have any questions, need help or anything like that! I hope you enjoy my ramblings!

With Love

~LB